I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. Probably a bad thing; most things are bad things.
By: The Linux and UNIX Menagerie

In German "invent-a-new-word-where-a-perfectly-good-one-already-exists" is probably a word.
By: The Linux and UNIX Menagerie

What? Oh yeah, the clowns. We fight them too. Entire armies spilling out of Volkswagens. We do our best to fight them off, but they keep sending them in.
By: Stargate Atlantis

As we descended from the upstairs to the downstairs to my room it kept getting darker and darker...I remember thinking to myself, "There's no WAY it could get any darker than this." and guess what? IT DID!
By: Me

...and Robotic carnage ensued. I caused it though so it was the okay kind of carnage.
By: Can't remember ^^

A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
By: Lazurus Long

An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
By: Lazurus Long

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
By: Will Rogers

Kesa Maiasa...means 'This morning, every morning' in Japanese
Instructions: 1. Say out loud 2. Laugh

The time is coming...we're going to change the world...are you ready?
By: Unknown

Skin tears...organs burst...bones break...we can sew the skin...mend the bone...but when WE break down...there is no science, no logical foolproof answer...we just have to feel our way through...which is the scariest feeling in the world, not knowing what your going to find.
By: Paraphrased from Grey's Anatomy

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away
By: Unknown

If all you ever do is all you've ever done, then all you'll ever get is all you've ever got.
By: Unknown

They say if you play the Mac CD backwards you hear Satanic messages...That's nothing...If you play it forwards it installs Mac OSX.
By: Me (adapted)

Let's take this one day at a time, I'll hold your hand if you hold mine, the time that we kill keeps us alive.
By: Rise Against

Ivy: "But a Mac can do everything I need."
Me: "Yes, and a PC can do everything I WANT."
By: The final words I used to win a conversation between my friend Ivy and myself ^^

The scientific theory I like best, is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
By: Mark Russell

Relationships are like glass, sometimes it's better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself trying to put them back together.
By: Unknown

Friends are like potatoes, if you eat them, they die
By: Bumper Sticker

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned
By: Bumper Sticker

I am limited only by the laws of physics...and i'm working on that
By: Me

Well-done? Pfft. I like my meat threatened with an unlit flashlight from a few miles away then brought to the table ^^
By: A Fencing Friend

Emo is just anger without the enthusiasm
By: My Friend Julia

Worry empties not tommorow of it's sorrow, it empties today of it's strength
By: Unknown

The most depressed man I've ever met was arrested for indecent exposure and then released for insufficient evidence.
By: Unknown

What's the point of all the fish in the sea if you can't catch any?
By: Me

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
By: My Friend Carol

People are capable of kindness beyond angels, yet we also commit sins that would put a demon to shame.
By: Unknown

Opinions are immunity to being told your wrong
By: Reliant K

Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in gosh
By: Unknown

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder
By: Unknown

I wonder what it’s like to be a slice of cheese.
By: Unknown

This is bob. Bob likes you. Bob likes sharp objects. I’d run from Bob if I were you.
By: Unknown

Those that throw objects at the crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them.
By: Unknown

Welcome to New York, We don’t like you either
By: Unknown

When I said I’d hit that I meant with my car
By: Unknown

Yeah a friend will lend you an umbrella in the rain, but a true friend would take yours and say “Run”
By: Unknown

If drama was vodka my whole school would be plastered.
By: Unknown

They laugh at me cause I’m different, I laugh at them cause they’re the same
By: Unknown

I'm writing a short story about a photographer who goes completely insane trying to take a close up picture of the horizon...
By: Steven Wright

we got a new dog and he's a paranoid retriever, he brings back everything because he's not sure what i threw
By: Steven Wright

If i melt dry ice can i swim without getting wet?
By: Steven Wright

The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.
By: Unknown

Valentine's Day Love Tip #12: If you feel that your love is unrequited, proceed to beat your crush into submission.
By: Unknown

Shoot everything, if it dies or blows up, it was bad.
By: 'What I learned from videogames poster'

An essential part of seeing clearly is finding the willingness to look closely and to go beyond our own ideas.
By: Unknown

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.
By: Unknown

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
By: Franklin P. Jones

Your mistakes don't define you, they simply tell you who you're not.
By: 3 Doors Down

Leave no outhouse unplundered!
By: Young Indiana Jones and the Phantom Train of Doom

Political correctness:
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
By: Unknown

There's never NOTHING wrong with something, there's always SOMETHING wrong with anything.
By: Me ^^

Isn't it odd that the word Listen has the same letters as the word Silent?
By: Alfred Brendel

John: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
By: Unknown

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
By: Unknown

He who laughs last didn't get it.
By: Unknown

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
By: Unknown

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
By: Unknown

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
By: Douglas Adams

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
By: Unknown

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
By: Robert Bloch

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
By: Unknown

One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other

One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee
A blind man went to see fair play
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"

A paralyzed donkey passing by
Kicked the blind man in the eye
Knocked him through a 9 inch wall
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all

A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to arrest the 2 dead boys
If you don't believe this story's true
Ask the blind man, he saw it, too!
By: Unknown

Sometimes you got to run away to see who will run after you. Sometimes you got to talk quieter to see who's really listening. Sometimes you got to step up to fight only to see who's standing by your side. Sometimes you got to make a wrong decision only to see who's there to help you fix it. Sometimes you got to let go of the one you love just to see if they love you enough to come back to you.
By: A Friend in Java Class

I wish my antivirus program on my computer grew and learned like the human immune system because then I could download enough porn onto my computer that my antivirus would become sentient.
By: A Different Friend in Java Class

A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody KNEW the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody KNEW the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
By: MIB

I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow
on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?
By: Calvin and Hobbes